just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
