I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
