I think my fart just growled at me.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
