My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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