so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
