Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
