In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
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