you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
