Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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