see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
