I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
