tonight lets celebrate not being married
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
How external is "for external use only"?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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