I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
