Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
