Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
