I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
