I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
