Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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