I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
