sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
