I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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