Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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