sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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