I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
