Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
