Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
