Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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