if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
