Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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