I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
