I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
As shirtless as possible
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
