Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
