What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
