How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
