I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
