Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Randomize
