your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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