Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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