Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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