Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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