She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
