just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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