I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
