it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
