it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
