you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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