i think my mom watched the whole time
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
