Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
