We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
