The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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